Have not been posting for a long time. And its such a bad habit of mine to just blog once in a few months or something. Haha but its fine cuz my blog is mainly about personal stuff and thoughts, kinda like a platform for me for express how i feel so i won't have to bottle everything up- pretty sure i have already lessened my life span by 5 years since everything has happened. I am not going to blog about my entire life story here so if you're confused as to what and who i could possibly be referring to, i apologise for the lack of context.
My sudden urge/need to blog was actually due to something I've only just recently found out and i don't really know how to feel about it exactly. To be honest, it was really very disappointing. I won't deny that i am mothershit pissed off (lol) but i was also and i believe i still am, in shock haha like i really don't understand all these backstabbing and hypocrisy BS.
Today's post will be centered around the meaning of 'friends'. Most of you will probably be thinking what the fuck right cuz i mean even a 3 yr old would get this whole thing about "friends". However, the fucked up thing is that some people don't seem to understand the true meaning of it, so they end up being termed as 'fake friends' or 'frenemy'. Anyway it sucks when you find out about what people have been saying behind your back, while they were pretending to be your friends or acting as if they are genuinely concerned about you. What sucks more, is when that someone was a close friend who's 'supposed to' know a little more about you than the others. And when shit happens, they end up pretending to have your back or be neutral about things, while fabricating lies behind your back and twisting stories "#brb".
I am so sick of giving people like the benefit of doubt, especially when this has happened not just once, but more than twice. "Once bitten twice shy" right? but I guess its just stupid of me to just close one eye and shit because of how much i treasure them as a friend. And it sounds illogical, doesn't it? Like why would i even bother in this case, to keep people like that as my friends. I don't know exactly myself but I do know that i treasure them for the past memories, the times we've shared and the times that he/she was actually a friend and stood up for me. But these are long gone and its time for me to acknowledge that. It isn't really a score sheet kinda thing where we can just draw two columns and write down the 'good' and 'bad' he/she has done to/for me. It is actually the intention and action of someone, that can really just tear down a friendship. You know how we build walls around our hearts when we get hurt? And we start to guard our hearts even more, because of the broken trust and hurt? Sad to say, this rarely happens for me. Perhaps at the beginning, i would do that but once someone does something nice i will soften up and those 'walls' will not seem to have even existed.
And I've seen this quote so many times everywhere:
"when people stop talking to you, they talk about you"
This somewhat makes a lot of sense to me, especially now. It's funny how people who were once close to you, can just say things that are detrimental to your reputation and well being, and act as if they still know you and all of your intentions, when they have in actual fact, drifted so much from you. It's insane really. Whats worse is when they can actually make up stories and spread rumours and shit about you to people, and sometimes others believe it because they think (note: think) that he/she probably knows you more than most, and hence it IS true. Really? Humans being humans are so quick to judge, and especially when a problem doesn't concern them, they are more than ready to accept what they hear and not even bother to spend time thinking about its reliability. Just because A and B are good friends, it means that ALL of the things they say about one another is true? This statement itself already sounds illogical to me.
I am so sick of all these feelings of betrayal and mistrust. Yes, i may have made a couple of mistakes in life but these mistakes doesn't concern anyone but me and the direct party(ies). So why bother to poke your nose into something that doesn't concern you directly and spread malicious rumours about me like that..? Its insane really, because these untrue things that you said, is something that has always been against my personal values and principles. I know that my post may seem like a total BS to some, and if you're gonna continue hating on me and insist that 'i am what you've heard about me' then by all means- don't even bother leaving me a 'hate' comment because i wont waste my time replying to it.
Don't assume that I've changed, just because the situation i am in allows you to make such false accusations, and circumstances are favourable and makes what you say SEEM believable. I used to be so affected by things people say about me, i still am but I've learnt to be stronger than before. People tell me all the time that all these things don't matter because at the end of the day, your conscience is clear and you know yourself best. Sometimes every aspect of your life just have to crash down on you all at once, and you end up feeling lost and helpless. I admit that i am overly emotional at times, and I may have appeared to be different from what i used to be, but trust me, i have not lost my values and principles. And if you are gonna reject that, so be it. After all that has happened, I'm really just so done with things like that. Why do I even allow myself to get hurt by people who dont even care. I may have said things out of anger that can be easily used against me, and that is just stupid of me to think that 'friends' understand that it is said on impulse because I'm a hot-headed person who lacks self control and just go into some kind of verbal diarrhoea (lol). But at the end of the day, i believe that if someone is a true friend who's concern and love is genuine, they would never twist things you've said to them and turn it against you. True friends will never do things knowing that they would hurt you. Im not saying that its wrong to point out a mistake of a friend, but its how you do it. I've always appreciated friends who were honest with me and not lie to me just to protect my feelings when I've done something wrong. Cuz i believe that sometimes others see things you don't- and i mean others as in genuine friends who knows you as a person, not superficial ones who pretend to know you and understand your intentions and end up twisting facts. I am so frustrated and disappointed because of the number of times this has happened, I'm tired of trusting the wrong people, and sick of being wronged and misunderstood. I was initially so confused as to why some 'friends' seemed to be so quick to judge, but i guess it kinda makes a little more sense to me now. I mean, you don't have to know me well / personally, but i hope that you can spare another minute to consider the reliability of such hearsay.
Friends don't backstab one another especially when they know about the kind of predicament he/she is in. They don't act like hypocrites and say untrue things knowing that that is not the case, and convince others to believe such lies. I try not to pick a fight or blow things up especially when I'm aware of the other people who would be indirectly affected as a result of it. You know like all these 'taking sides' stuff...? Yeah. And as much as i would like to act like an adult and 'clarify', i doubt i would do so this time. Not because I'm petty or because i don't value our friendship, but because I'm sick of being hurt by the same person doing the same shit to me over and over again. Really, this is the kind of hurt that kills me the most- the betrayal of trust. I don't know exactly, the intentions or motives behind such actions, but i think i'm really just done here. I have not changed in the way you've described or convinced others that i have, i am not trying to defend myself just to get away or cover up for whatever, i am standing up for myself because I've not done it for a long time, simply because i care too much. And i guess it's time for me to actually do something, for me.
For those who have always believed in me, or even put in the effort to remain neutral- thank you, from the bottom of my heart. It sucks that things have to turn out this way, but i think sometimes, there is a need for us to think for and protect ourselves. So yeah, I'm done trying.
Just because i dont say anything about it, it doesn't mean i don't feel. Please don't forget- i'm a human being too.
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