Love.
I think one of the hardest things to do in life is to move on.
We've all been in and out of love, and honestly,
Beautiful are the memories you've created with that someone, whom you thought would be your not first, perhaps, but last. Beautiful are the times you felt happy simply because he/she was happy, and even happier because you were the reason behind that smile that shone so brightly and even the thought of it could bring you so much joy and warmth. Beautiful, are the times you both have fought hard to overcome an obstacle and made it through hand in hand, and became stronger together. Beautiful, are the times when you have someone to greet you "good morning" and say a sweet "goodnight" to you, and that could start and end your day perfectly. Beautiful, are also the times when you had someone to turn to, whenever you're feeling terribly down, or when you knew you'd always have someone you could share and tell things to, good or bad, with no judgments at all. Beautiful, the times when you could be completely yourself, simply with the person you love. Say the stupidest thing or crack the lamest joke of all time, you'll always have someone there to laugh with you, and not at you. It was just really comforting to know, that he/she was maybe, your only constant, in life that is filled with so much change.
I have always been a hopeless romantic, even as a child. I was always so enticed by the idea of a happy ending in shows and movies, and mostly fairytales. You know, like how little girls like us would fantasize about how one day a charming prince would come standing at your doorstep, at the most unexpected moments. Like how we'll somehow manage to overcome every form of obstacle, and escape the evil witches (bitches in a real life setting) and somehow become stronger, etc etc. And have the kind of perfect ending, where both of you will live happily ever after, in a peaceful cottage, with beautiful children who inject so much joy in your life, simply with their infectious laughter. You know.. a life full of bliss. but i think i came to a realization that all these don't actually exist. And honestly, i think it was just a silly, naive belief i held, which is purely unrealistic and stupid and way too idealistic.
In life, we yearn to have so many things that are out of our reach. If we are lucky, we may get hold of them. But we may not be lucky enough, to keep them forever. Sometimes, there are things we have to let go. And honestly to me, the hardest thing to let go, is people. How do you (successfully) let go of someone who was once that important to you? The person who was the reason behind your smile, and even sadness, pain and anger. But nevertheless, still a big part of you. The one you never thought you would ever say goodbye to.
I mean in relationships, its never only filled with rainbows and sunshine. Happy- is the part where people see, things that are on the surface. I guess there isn't such a thing as a 'Perfect Couple'. No matter how much one is your 'favourite couple', there will always be an ugly side that isn't shown to people. The arguments, the fights, the anger, the tears, everything, that outsiders don't see. but these are things that can be solved and fixed with a deeper understanding of one another. And trouble comes when you can't. Everything not saved would be lost, and i guess it comes to a point whereby both parties are too worn out and just tired from fighting all the time. There is no finger pointing in this outcome, there is only two to blame. Honestly, there are many things I've said and done (no theres no cheating involved) and didn't mean. There are many things, that given another chance, i would try to fix, though i don't know if those can even be fixed. But the reality is, it is too late now.
Moving on is the hardest part especially in the first few stages where you do nothing but attempt to really just you know.. move on from the person you once loved so dearly. You know, the feeling of emptiness and sadness, when you wake up in the morning, so used to a 'good morning' text to start your day off, but see nothing on your whatsapp notifications. When you open your whatsapp conversation with him/her, and just staring at the 'online' status to see if it changes to 'typing' even though it probably wouldn't and you don't know why you're even expecting a text. The feeling when you resist texting whenever you miss and wanna talk to him/her. The constant conflict you have with your own mind, the attempt to be rational and not impulsive in your own actions. You never stop thinking about this 'past', and the sad thing is, the more you try to repress a thought, the more it comes back to you. And i guess it really doesn't help that i am such an emotional being and someone who holds on so tightly to all the memories. And its funny how we know that we will feel so much sadness when we look back at the old pictures, that would bring everything back to you. But we still do it anyway.
This is undeniably a very tough phase of my life, and i guess it may seem cliche but its true, when people tell you that time would heal all your pain and brokenness. I guess it also occurred to me that maybe i haven't loved myself enough. You know what they all say, that you have to love yourself, before you can start to love others. And i guess somehow i didn't, and i depended so much of my self worth and happiness on someone else, which is probably why i fall so damn hard, when people leave and I'm left alone again.
This is undeniably a very tough phase of my life, and i guess it may seem cliche but its true, when people tell you that time would heal all your pain and brokenness. I guess it also occurred to me that maybe i haven't loved myself enough. You know what they all say, that you have to love yourself, before you can start to love others. And i guess somehow i didn't, and i depended so much of my self worth and happiness on someone else, which is probably why i fall so damn hard, when people leave and I'm left alone again.
This isn't the first relationship I've been through, but despite that, this is still one of the hardest. Although i would think that given the past experiences, i should probably be stronger and more optimistic, but I'm not. In fact, being older now i guess, makes it even more painful and difficult because of all the greater expectations of a perfect, happy ending.
Beautiful beautiful memories, that are now nothing but perhaps a beautiful past.
But still, i thank you for the smiles and memories you have once brought into my life.
xx
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